Just posting that to remember that catch phrase. In news everyone needs to start sending me crappy sketches. I'm going nuts this week with my painting and want to get a lot done. Get to work.

You know. I should really give people more credit. This guy named Trevor Benfield in my English class lit a fire under me. I got to talking to him about the game I've been planing for about a year and he got really excited. Usually when I try to recruit people they get into it but I never hear from them. To my surprise. That day he sent me three almost finish song for the game. And they are good. Needless to say. The man is now my head music producer. Which makes something I don't need to worry about. I lit rally started writing a scene to one of his song instantly. This is gonna work. To add the Modelers I've snagged I just need more art from those of you who care to get involved. I've written most of you into the story so that should be some incentive. XD Seriously. Their really good.

I don’t know what to do. I have no idea what to do. Of course your saying well nobody does. But this feel far severe. I’ve never felt like this before. The only thing tat comes close is some of my childhood experiences. I feel like an abused child that has gotten used to the strikes. I’m at a point were everything in my life is starting to hit me all at once. Normally I just raise my chin in the air and just say F you too to what ever stands in my way. But I don’t know if I have the resolve anymore.

For starts. I’m so sick of college. You can’t imagine how sick of college I am. I guess it would be more bearable if I were younger. I’d say I was more innocent then but that a lie. It’s just. I’ve never been apart of normal society until I started to go to college. When the chance to go fell in my lap I was sold.

“Hey maybe I can get my fucking life together,” is what I told myself.

But I began to see everything for what it was way too soon. Collages are a business and there for do not care about you. They want your money and your just there for a piece of paper. I’m tired of teaching myself. And it all just feels so pointless. Every morning I wake up and don’t want to get out of bed. Because I can pretty much bet the day is going to suck. I never wanted to be that person. And now I am. I’ve been thinking about this so much lately that I’ve been getting migraines. Two a day on average. But I’ve spent too much money to quit. I don’t want it to be all for nothing. But I’m tired of feeling sick to my stomach every time I have class.But I go because for the first time in my life my dads kinda proud of me.

Second my personal projects are at a stand still. With everything that’s been going on. They have been sitting on the shelf. Staring at me. Calling me a loser. And I’m starting to agree with them.

Third. I fucking hate Texas. This place sucks so bad. Maybe it’s because I’ve been stuck at home but I’ve just come to loath this place. Maybe it’s just my stress level making everything annoying heightened but I’m tired of getting tailed every time I go jogging by the cops.

I’m just shattered. Worst of all. Scary enough. When I see a window I wonder what it might be like to jump out of it. I can’t see a mach truck going by without wondering How quick it would kill me if I jumped in front of it? I was beyond all this shit. I was over it. I’ve spent the better part of 15 year getting past that part of myself. I’m all out of bullshit. I’ve become the old me again. And I hate that guy.

Some ideas get big. About a month ago I came up with my own onion ring recipe. While eating my creation with my roommate I made the comment, "I wish I had a deep fryer."

Too which he replied, "I have one it just over my parents."

I asked him to bring it and he did. Upon seeing the fryer I made the comment, "We should just have everyone come over with stuff to fry. Random stuff and the norm."

"And I shall call this day. FRY DAY."

Ironically a week later we found ourselves with oil and a six bored people. It took 20 minutes just to figure out how the thing turned on. It began.

Up first we tried something that I had seen back home. Twinkies. Surprisingly good. It's a pound a grease but the molten cream center it worth it. We used pancake batter for everything by the way. My onion rings and fries fallowed. We tried frying chocolate but it melted to fast. We had Frank eat it. Then came the grapes. Everyone but me liked those. I felt they needed powdered sugar.

We sat down and eat everything. Nothing but greasy fried crap.

Then came. The aftermath. I felt like I was going to die. I was the first. Then the others fallowed. We figured out that the only thing that we all eat were the Twinkies which made it the culprit. We then spent 30 minutes betting each other to do exercise.

The sit ups were murder. My roommate ran to the bathroom to hurl. After everyone left for the night I went to bed trying as hard as I could not to move. At about 4:00 am I woke up and it was my time. Running to the bath room I leaped as to try and get to the bowl in time to only have it spray everywhere. (That was fun to clean up)

I spent the rest of the day having things come out of both end violently.

The next Fry Day is in 2 weeks. God help us.

I'm slipping. And I like it. I've been short on work lately and I realized why a few days ago. I need to be tortured and dark. I need that pain. Because from it my art work is flowing again. Though I'm having trouble. Because there are those in my life now that I love deeply. And to show them my other half would I fear show them my true nature.

I talk often of what I'm capable of. And it's become clear I need that little bit of evil that is in all of us in order to get what I need done. SO my balancing act begins. Trying to hide my Kira like smile I spend my days now try to keep what I am under control enough to not freak people out.

The madness I am capable of swallowed me before. And I'll be damned if it swallow them as well. That's the problem. I need it in order to archive my goals. But are those goals worth it if I lose them in the process. I might have to give you my Gaols all together. I just don't know what to do.